Tomorrow Me

When the day is over and the house gets quiet, my mind goes to work. I begin reflecting on every detail of the day. Deciding what I did well, what I could of done better and what I didn’t do that I should have.

At some point tomorrow me shows up in this process, she just creeps in and before I know it today me and tomorrow me are chatting back and forth. Tomorrow me is going to be so much better. She will do perfectly, all things I didn’t do well, she will start a new way of living. I listen to her decide confidently that she will do so many amazing things and be the strongest version of me there is.

Today me loves tomorrow me, today me wishes she could have been tomorrow me. She has it all figured out, she is confident.. she is strong! I love listening to her powerful mind and heart. I go to bed excited for tomorrow and all its newness to come! Tomorrow will be fantastic and I will be amazing.

But, when I wake up today me is all that’s there and it isn’t until the silence in the night that…. tomorrow me comes along again.

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Solitude

art_of_solitude

Solitude. The place where people can go utterly mad visiting it for even a short while. The place one can find themselves truly and become whole. Bittersweet isn’t it? This place is no prison but can act as such, deprived you from your natural desires and urges for connection to something, anything…it is lonely there. Oh but if you make it past lonely and you make it past going mad, you find yourself and you fight your own internal war. You battle your demons and your mind, and become free of them…or are you simply going further down insanity? Is that insanity the comfort we find in the lonely? To satisfy our urge to be connected to something? Or do we truly find the self and a deeper connection that is satisfying? Our primal need to feel that we connect and belong to something…to anything at all. Reflection of ourselves and peace with that, acceptance of our self..a knowledge of how vast where we are is and how small we are to it. A fleeting moment of time, equivalent of a grain of sand…things become quite trivial there that we deal with daily…hunger to understand sets in and you then seek knowledge…another way to satisfy that urge in yourself to be a part of something…you find truth within solitude, then what? You share it with who? You hear so often how people find themselves in these moments but then what? You are there with all this inside you and nothing…you’re just there, existing…no one talks about the after much…I suppose because it is a small bout of solitude and then off to the world and the people in it? What of those who don’t go off to the people in it…that are in perpetual solitude? The prison cells take form again, they haunt you and mock you. They remind you of your solitude and loneliness..some don’t go back to the world some are stuck in a state of solitude a never ending cycle of walls and dreams being the only release from the madness. Fill up here in this placed named solitude…and stay forever for I will not let you leave.

I Am tired

I Am tired

I am tired.
I am exhausted in every single way that a person can be, from my body hurting to my hearts exhaustion, my soul is lazy and my mind is blurry. I AM TIRED. A simple nap or a full nights rest does not quench and rejuvenate this tired. An energy drink does not temporarily cure this tired. This is different and I AM TIRED.

As I lay in bed I replay the day, every detail in it. I think of what I could have done better and I feel guilt for what I did not get too or do enough of. I think of my life and what I could have or should have done. My brain is a blur of whirl winding chaos inside. Just sleep, do better tomorrow. I AM TIRED.

I wake and know the long day ahead, I feel like I have gotten no rest. My tired isn’t physical at all is it? I get up exhausted and go through the motions of the day again. A pattern, a routine of what I know I have to do. This body moves and does what it needs, but the rest of me is not there. The rest of me is tired, beaten down. I wonder about if I am doing enough, I hope that I am because I can not do anymore than I am now. This mountain on my shoulders is heavy, it breaks my back and I carry it alone. Maybe a few more hours of sleep will help, because I am tired! Sleep never helps but I yearn for it all the same.

I feel like I get nowhere, everyday passes and it is the same each and every day. Where is the time going? Why has it left me behind. The world has forgotten me and I am here watching it pass by. I am tired. People blur around me moving and talking but I do not hear them, not really. I am in my chaotic mind lost to the world, carrying this mountain on my shoulders. How come no one can see it? It’s there, its huge, its heavy…why don’t they see it? They don’t see me struggling and exhausted? I can’t move with this alone, I am stuck AND I AM TIRED! The struggle of being trapped beneath this mountain is draining. Maybe if i could do this or that I could get further. I am drowning. I am stuck there. Why can’t I be stronger? Why can’t I get further? Maybe I should give up. What does it matter anymore?

I clock out of work again and I dread the repeated day tomorrow. I am defeated. I get in my car and I go home as I drive I think. I think of my life, I think of my days, I think of sleep, I think of my guilt. I am heavy. I pull into my driveway and I look, I think of how the possibilities for more are gone, this is it isn’t it? I have not gotten any further. Defeated and tired.

I walk in heavy from the day, defeated, tired, guilty and sad. My child is waiting for me. MY CHILD. I realize, all day someone was thinking of me. Someone missed me, noticed my absence. Someone has appreciated everything I do. Looks to me with a wild spirit and loving eyes full of depth. I feel purpose, and I feel weightless in this moment of hugs and love. I look behind me and realize even when I thought I was going no where with this mountain on my shoulders, I was wrong! I have carried it to distances I never realized. In this moment I do not feel heavy, I do not feel tired. I look down at my child and I realize, it is because I am not carrying that mountain alone. It is on my child’s shoulders when I walk through that door! Because my child loves me and took it from my shoulders selflessly and bravely, for a moment so I could feel alive.

*Inspired by my best friends story with her son. 2018-11-11_13.43.11.jpg#autismawareness

When different is more

The pains in her stomach, it’s time to go. She is going to meet her son. The tiring push after push followed with the pain, oh the exhaustion of giving birth. Last push….he was finally here! Her Lorenzo made it to the world! When she held her sweet new baby to her chest, looked down at him, she smiled, and she knew right then. She looked into his sweet, beautiful brown eyes… She knew he was not like the majority of other children in the world, he was special, he was her precious gift. A gift for a mother deserving and perfect for the task given her, before she even knew it.

      Scared and in love all at the same time. Oh how she was yet to discover her true potential and her strength but soon she would. You see he was her gift in life, and she was his. The doctors come to confirm what she already knew, the signs leading them to believe her son has down syndrome…47 instead of 46. The many things that ran through her head that night making it impossible to sleep. She knew Vic would love him, she knew his cousins and aunties would love him. She knew that things weren’t going to be easy, they weren’t going to be typical. However, she also knew how loved Lorenzo was already, and Down syndrome wasn’t going to take him from them. She feared his health issues might! She needed to make sure those things weren’t going to happen. That she had them all taken care of. Those things scared her, terrified her for her family.

    When he was born, his blood was too thick, his heart was too weak, his body working too hard to even allow him to eat. He only sucked three times when she tried to breastfeed him. Those three little sucks meant the world to her. The time would pass and it would soon be a week before she even got to try again, and succeed.

        It’s hard at first, but it’s real. We all have feelings about things. We live them daily, we breathe them with every breath, we go through them, and soon they dissolve into completely different and new feelings. She loves him, she will learn all she can and make a way. His gift to her already beginning to set in. I will never forget the day. I was honored to meet him and hold him in my arms so small and fragile but full of life, with hungry eyes. It was the day I personally witnessed an enormous gift from such a tiny beautiful little boy, given to my friend, his mother. She had been forever changed by his life and it showed. It was a beautiful sight to see.  

    The time has come for surgery, she knew these days would come, she has researched so much in the time passed and knows what to expect. It was already known by her that Renz was born with a heart defect that often requires surgery in early infancy. She already knew something was wrong and when surgery was confirmed, it was a huge feeling of relief and anticipation, even excitement. Her excited thoughts of “MY baby is going to be less sick, he is going to struggle less!”.

       Then the moment came…the moment she had to actually leave him in the care of the doctors.  At that point she was afraid, she did not want him without her for this. So afraid that they would not know how special he was to her and her son, and how so very loved he was by them. How much they needed him in their lives. The fearful thoughts rushed in her mind “ Would they would treat him like just a body, a number and not a boy?  Would something go wrong in there because of this? Am I ever going to see him smile his wonderfully fulfilling smile at me again?”. She calmed her thoughts and her heart…another gift from her son.  He came out of surgery okay. He is such a strong boy, went through recovery like a champ, his strength is undeniable.

         Every morning she wakes up and the first thing on her mind is her sons. She goes to them ready for the day to begin, with all its challenges it holds, all the mountains that have to be climbed and the others that must be moved… it’s still a beautiful day to her. Every moment she is making sure her children know love, honesty, respect and kindness. A woman that is also fierce and will take on anyone that challenges her son’s abilities. She walks with so much grace, you would NEVER see the weight on her shoulders unless she told you. She has evolved over the time since her son was born, a butterfly was born in all its grace and beauty.

      You see her challenges are beyond the normal challenges of a mother. One son that the world considers normal, and another son that the world considers different. The endless appointments and therapies. The balancing of both her sons and time spent with each.

     Trying to ensure her oldest has his moments to be himself and enjoy a life of a young child, while still being sure he knows his responsibility to his brother and embraces it. What a heavy balance to ensure one misstep can send rejection of the life spiraling in. Yet again she does this with grace as if it is effortless to accomplish, not even thinking of the challenge at hand here. Balancing one son that needs more than the other. She does this well…another beautiful gift from her Renz.

   To her, she has a job to do and it’s all that matters to her, not your pity she doesn’t need it, not your false sense of understanding she doesn’t care for it, not your approval of her child and lifestyle she doesn’t need you. They have their own secret little family in their home and if you’re worthy she will let you be a part of it. You see she is made of strength, dedication, love, understanding, and kindness. Nothing else. A beautiful gift from her son on the day he was born, seeded there to grow before she even knew it.

   What I see in my friend is a decision to keep moving forward, when so many didn’t. An astounding 75 percent terminate from blood test results alone during pregnancies. In her you will see determination to make changes in the world for the better. Like in 1990 for educational rights for the disabled… the same fiery passion lives in her. I see a mother that advocates for her son in every moment. I see a mother being her son’s voice, she is loud, and she will be heard. She is a testament of true strength and selflessness. I see a mother who is her biggest critic, but is perfect in every way for her son’s. I see my friend giving purpose and value to two lives that are so different in the world’s settings at the same exact time with each other.

Every mother worries about their children, we wonder who they will become, what can we do better to make sure they grow up and make good choices… As much as we like to believe we can protect them from disease or a cruel world unwilling to accept them, the basic truth is, we can’t.

   When I get to join their family, and we plan time together. I enjoy every moment I take it in, they are fleeting and won’t last long. I see the beautiful tiny boy I once held so much older now. He has a smile that can melt any worry away and make you forget every problem. Nothing but being happy seems important when you are around Renz it’s a beautiful gift he has for the world. I watch a little boy play with such life inside him doing things so many say can’t be done. I listen to his mother speak of the milestones he has passed before he even should have with a happy heart, because he is perfection in all the most beautiful ways.

  I watch his brother watch over him and play at the same time with such ease like he was born for this specific brother. The way they tie into each other complementing each other in every sense with every motion. It’s a harmonious balance between them. What Renz has given to them with his life is probably more than any 46 human in today’s world could ever give over an entire lifetime to another human being. Yet here is this young man doing it since birth so effortlessly. He gives even to those he meets in spirits and happiness. Oh the day he was born she didn’t know it yet…but he had a gift for her. She needed him, and he needed her.

**Credits To Lia Castro for allowing me to write this piece about her family and contributing to the story.**

Dancing with Devils

Dancing with Devils

Opiate control

Introduction

I am not writing this to sway others into believing differently than they do about addiction. I personally do not care what you do or do not believe about it or if you have read the science behind it or not. I am writing this however, for the many battling this addiction or who have went through it. I hope it gives insight, I hope it reaches someone maybe even saves a life.

Addiction

Yes it is the addict’s choice to try the drug for the first time. This is correct in every aspect of looking at the situation. Let’s be honest here though for a moment. Who knows they will become an addict? What person knew when they were prescribed something from a doctor that this would be it for them that it would be the moment their brain clicked into desires so strong. Who really knows while out with friends and deciding to cave to peer pressure in our youth that it would be the moment of reckoning right there? That one moment when the entire world felt okay and made sense, that moment when you knew you could do more on something than off. That moment you looked in that mirror after so long of struggling with self esteem and just loved yourself so much. That moment the pains of your life all of a sudden just weren’t so painful anymore. Who really knows you were the one genetically picked for this moment until it happens?

Then you’re there. You say oh I’ll stop after this, one more day to get through this, it doesn’t end it keeps driving you. You think the drug is your friend helping you through life. For a moment it does. For a moment everything is right. During those moments is when the opiates are wrapping into your brain changing your chemistry, the very fabrics of your mind. Teasing the addict making them think everything is so much better. You wake up with energy and happiness, no one notices this part of addiction, others see a happy improved person and compliment you on your life changes and how happy you seem and look…sealing the belief this is right, it’s exactly what you needed to make your life right…meanwhile the opiates are penetrating and invading your brain like a parasite.

The turn

While you thought life was grand and you weren’t hurting anyone, this is great…opiates were going throughout your brain chemistry and altering every aspect. Depleting you of your natural ability to be happy. You need me now don’t you? They turn on you then in that moment of completion. A victory for the devil himself, and a war for anyone opposing it now…settle down you sold your soul. Now you become irritable what worked isn’t working is it? You need more that will do it just get more. If you do that it will all be okay again won’t it? Depression begins you start to hate yourself, boy do they turn on you. But you need me now. You can’t live without me now…you sold your soul didn’t you? You are one now, inseparable and at the mercy of it’s strength.

The realization

You get more and more but it’s never enough. You are your biggest critic right now. Everyone sees the changes they see your body, they see you attitude, they hear your excuses. They are judging you and you know it. You’re scared inside. How did you let this happen? How could you be so weak? How can you ask for help from all of those that are judging you. You try to quit on your own. It’s painful, it’s painful in ways many can not imagine. A war between the body and mind inside you. A violent one! You are sick you can’t sleep you shake and you hurt…get more it will stop…you trick yourself oh I will wean that will work…that’s that devil again in there wrapped into your mind…because remember you sold your soul. There is no easy way out of this is there? You’re going to try to find one aren’t you. You want it to go away the way it came…easily, but it’s not going anywhere so easily…it’s there inside you and has every intention to staying. Oh what you would give to have known this before your first use, what you would give to go back in time. Hopelessness sets in.

The turning continues

The war continues inside you, turning like violent seas. This devil has it’s choke hold on your thoughts. Poisoning them all with with lies, making you see differently than the truth. From the outside looking in this is denial and refusal for help. If only they knew what you were truly going through inside, if for a moment they could live there, maybe then they could help you…because god do you need and want help right now. You’re fighting yourself, you’re drowning in this, you’re losing. Where do you turn? All the things you have fucked up during this addiction. The people you have hurt, the bad decisions you have made financially, or the strangers you have hurt for your satisfying this devil inside you, all of this floods into your mind. It’s a huge mountain isn’t it? How can you even begin to fix all this mess when you can not even fix you? You don’t want to hurt anyone anymore so you close up and distance yourself thinking you’re helping the people you love because you’re a failure right? I mean you see what the world thinks about you they post it everyday. The best thing you can do is get far away. Now you are lonely aren’t you? Depressed and sad, an outcast of your own will. How can you face this? You just can’t.

Friends

Ahhh finally! Some friends that don’t judge you! They understand they are going through this too. You don’t have to be lonely do you? You are using and more now with them. Your whole focus becomes getting the next one. It’s all you and your friends do isn’t it? Next licl next lick omg down to one where are they? Someone has to have them. Dammit you can’t get sick. The fighting starts someone is missing some all of a sudden…are they really though? They have all done this before and lied before. God just please find something anything to make this all stop. Finally a call! It’s not what you wanted but if you get it you won’t get sick. So you say yes. Oh dear Lord you don’t realize where this goes and again you sold your soul. It’s stronger you need less. You think wow this works better, I could do this and not kill myself eating so many and get a normal life again. It’s different, so I can avoid withdrawal from the other and then stop this after. Boy are you wrong and you find this out very quickly don’t you. You’re an addict you can’t just use one to stop the other can you? God you think where is the end to this hell? You remember your old life. You think of your memories and feel hopeless. How can you ever be that person again? What have you done to yourself. You think of all you have done what you are doing now, it’s getting worse isn’t it. This is your moment you’re so hurt inside at yourself. This is the moment when you decide to go back or forever be lonely and eventually kill yourself from overdose.

Fixing things

You search for help, you find quickly there are not many resources for the broke. This can be a breaking point for an addict many have turned back due to this. But not you not this story you keep going you find a place willing to help they seem nice. You go in you tell the truth about everything. They say they can help you and smile they tell you it’s all okay. They explain their treatment and it sounds great! You won’t feel a thing! They have a medicine just for you, two and you can choose which one. You don’t have to stay there you can go home to your family and tell them the great news you are doing it! You made the step! You go in every morning, but there are lines such long lines shuffling people in and out. It’s embarrassing and heartbreaking all at once, but you’re going to do this aren’t you? You found the easy way didn’t you to make it all okay…to get your soul back?

Another turning point

The days pass and you’re still in line for each one of them. Getting your miracle medicine….or so you thought. It doesn’t end the days turn into weeks and months. You can’t live without it. You realize you have been preyed on and your weakness is their profit. Trust is gone again. Hope is lost again. You’re still an addict nothing changed did it? If you can’t even get help from those that claim to help you then what can you do? Who can you trust? Your world becomes so dark again. You lie at night awake and troubled. Your mind racing, you want out but how? You research anything and everything about getting clean. Every remedy every person’s testimony. Then you read about what you’re taking, what the devils in an angel disguise told you would help you. You become terrified, who wouldn’t be at this point. How will you ever escape this? How will you even survive this?

The jump

All your failures, all your attempts to do right that have blown up, you realize there is no easy way at all you have tried it all, every remedy every theory has been tested and failed. Now you are so far in with this clinic there is only one way out isn’t there? It’s scary isn’t it. Terrifying in ways many can never understand. You have to jump. This is your moment and it will take everything it has in you to do it. So you jump. You hide and hole up away from the world. They can’t be part of this. It’s the only way to remain strong through this nightmare that’s coming. Day one is slow moving and you don’t have energy like you did. But it’s not too bad, if only it could stay like this. You hope of course. Day two is worse you didn’t sleep much and your body hurts, it’s cramping and aching and you want nothing more than to sleep. If only you could sleep through it all. Day three you still haven’t slept have you? Ugh two days of no sleep. It can play tricks on the mind. Crazy thoughts enter your mind and you’re restless but tired. Here comes the mental war…are you ready? No. No one is ever ready for something like this. The pain in your body is unimaginable there is no position that is comfortable. You have every symptom of the flu in its most extreme setting in. Dilated eyes and the light hurts. Does this get worse? Day four it does get worse you still have not slept maybe two hours if you’re lucky. Why are you doing this to yourself? You are cold without a blanket freezing like in the snow…you cover up. Shit it’s so hot with the blanket and you sweat. Bathroom run after bathroom run. Pain in places nothing can help it. But using would stop this all wouldn’t it. You get consumed with your thoughts of all you have done of staying strong but every single second you crave it like a vampire needs blood don’t you. Resist. You manage to resist. Day five the emotions set in because you still haven’t slept you can’t get comfortable, you hurt, you’re sick, you’re temperature is in no way able to be maintained. It’s hell pure complete hell. And it’s hard the urges are hard. You don’t want to move or talk because you’re terrified anything could break your strength. It’s so fragile right now isn’t it. Keep pushing. Don’t give up. It’s going to be so many days of this. But it’s gets better I promise. Each day passed of this is a day you never have to experience again. Remember that! Do not stop, do not go back. Don’t listen to the world. The strength it takes to overcome this no matter how it happened is a strength so many will never possess. You can do this and you will do this. Remind yourself every single moment that you are on the other side of this…the you that you miss so much. The enjoying of life and laughter is on the other side of this. Don’t give that up. You made it this far and you have to keep pushing. It’s worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT! The pain you feel now is the weakness leaving your body. This will be rewarding for you and each day will begin to get a little bit better. It isn’t going to get worse. I care about you even though I do not know you! I want you to succeed. Do not be a statistic anymore and save your life! Do not give up do not turn back, only look forward and at how far you have came! This is not easy at all it is brutal and it drains you, it is a hell on earth and it does not let go of you easily. You are strong and you will accomplish this and look back at this past and be proud! 

A VERY BAD DAY EVERYDAY

I want to discuss some topics here today. There are so many people that go through their days in such chaos and a bad mentality. I believe this often times directly correlates to violence and hatred envy and greed. Lets face it if we were happier we wouldn’t be seeing so much of this happening. If we were more uplifting to the stranger or our own people we would see a huge shift in actions and mentality.

So what is a bad day? Does a bad day actually exist? I don’t believe so. A persons phone dies mid day and they say oh this is a bad day. Or they lost 20 bucks or ran out of gas etc you get the point and you say this is a bad day, I am having a terrible day. Lets adopt a new mentality for this because you really aren’t having a bad day your day is a day it just isn’t one going exactly the way you want it too. So in ways you so easily gave up on a day that pushed you out of your comfort zone and could have then been quite a learning experience for yourself. Stop fighting it stop getting angry at it, let those days flow how they may and lead you where they may. When you fight against days like this you spend an entire day of your life angry. An entire day wasted instead of a day learned. Who knows where that day COULD have lead you if you would of allowed it too. There is no such thing as a bad day only a day that didn’t go according to plan.

Greed and envy. These things run our world right now they touch so many individuals hearts and live there day after day growing much like a bacteria in warm perfect conditions. A person goes through their day wanting this or that or a better this or that. Waiting in lines and fighting for jordans or the new flat screen, or black Friday etc. Why? Because you have accepted a widespread mentality that this is the way of life that you must be more than the next person and the way to be that is by what you have not how you act. This mentality is deadly. It is okay to step back and value the real things that matter in life you do not have to follow the crowd its okay to go your own way. At the end of everything it doesn’t matter what you had you live on through what you have done you live on in peoples hearts. The person you helped that gave them faith in the world again to help another. These are the things that you live on through. So what have you done in your life that will keep your name your  legacy alive?

The desire to find self satisfaction by hurting another. This is a big issue today it really is. Instead of facing pur own issues with ourselves we project them to others instead. We seek instant gratification by belittling another rather than focus on self healing and setting goals to be better in our own eyes. We get into mommy wars and talk crap about one another instead of uplift one another cause lets face it its hard being a mother and every child is different we don’t know the actual situation. Be more uplifting help reinforce tell the mother you know it’s a tough scary job and help it takes a village guys. We have forgotten that. We have women who have no true self esteem and we now glorify the side chick. But the side chick has issues guys and we as a people should help them love themselves because someone w who feels special to hurt others so deeply has serious internal issues going on. The people that feel better by belittling others have more going on inside they need people the most.

This boils down to being ugly and selfish inside. We walk past a stranger we can see is sad but we could stop and compliment something about them even if we do not like anything just because it will make them smile. Who does that hurt really? No one at all. Stop allowing your hearts to be polluted there is nothing wrong with helping the next person. You are not better than anyone else your life choices are only different and got different results. Nobody wakes up and says hey I wanna fuck my life up and be terrible so when you apply that to your everyday you realize these people didn’t intentionally get themselves there. They may not have had anyone encouraging around or maybe they thought that was a good decision to get them what everyone else had and it backfired and the blows kept coming. Who knows really. But the lack of humanity today only makes things worse and worse. You don’t have to agree with people’s personal beliefs but you can open your mind to understand the logic on their end and then better be able to understand the perspectives of the opposition to better help the situations at hand. Meeting anger and hurt with anger never results in any type of solutions.